Yesterday was a day that shall live in infamy.

To call what happened a failure of epic proportions would be an understatement.  Fortunately for you, sweet reader, I swiftly cataloged the sequence of events that led up to my Passover paroxysm in case you were interested in creating your own minor meltdown.

Question nothing as you follow these steps and you too will soon enjoy a spectacular failure, the kind where an hour feels like an entire evening and you know it will be one you’ll never forget…

Step 1. Do not plan ahead: Look for essential resources (such as a Seder plate) the day before you need it. There is no need to interrupt your moments prior when you’re “pretty sure it’s somewhere.” Chances are likely it will magically appear alongside the magical coffee that brews itself and the dishes that clean themselves overnight.

Step 2. Source via big box: Do not attempt to locate unusual replacement items from a website that specializes in such matters, especially when you live within a few miles from a Party City. Do visit said big box, ask for assistance, and experience the awkwardness that can only come from requesting a Seder plate and getting handed paper plates with pastel crucifixes on them as an appropriate equivalent.

Step 3. Mince your words (especially in the meat section): Upon entering your chosen supermarket, locate the nearest meat expert (someone wearing a white jacket) and inquire about particular cuts specified in your recipe.  Do not question his wisdom.  Ideally, a child with a penchant for poking his finger into the plastic wrap covering ground beef and steaks should accompany you.  Ignore italicized words on plastic packaging, as they are often unnecessary descriptors that do not apply to your chosen outcome.

Step 4. Relax: Even if you’ve never prepared a brisket in your life, this isn’t something you really need to worry about.  You printed out the recipe and got what it said to get… deal with the prep when the time comes.  If you find your recipe requires more time than you left for yourself, frantically search the internet for ways to cook meat faster than advised.

Step 5. Forget to laugh: Quite frankly, there is absolutely nothing funny about mistaking corned beef brisket for beef brisket, forgetting to start the cooking process on time, messing up cuts so that the non-brisket ends up in rubbery rectangles, or eating the crushed-tomato covered carrots that were supposed to soften somehow in the non-brisket juice.  May your eyes burn holes through anyone who dares to make a mustard and rye joke in lieu of spearheading activities that could involve unleavened bread.

Given some practice and possibly a beer, I’m certain you too could enjoy your 15 minutes at the butt of your spouse’s every joke while creating a memory that will last a lifetime.  If you have any tips you’d like to contribute, I sure would love to hear them…