Art by Scott Beale / Laughing Squid

Since starting this blog last year, I’ve written about my job twice. There’s a reason for that, and it’s probably not what you think.

I’m not holding back here because I feel like I should save my material for paid work. Well, that’s not the biggest reason…

Earth Day was last week and I didn’t do a damn thing on here for it.  I owe you an explanation.  The chief reason I haven’t posted on energy topics is because my profession consumes me everywhere but here.

I had hoped this blogging experiment could remind me of who I am beyond this belle who manages big budget energy projects.  I don’t want to be one-dimensional, so I write about everything but my job.  Probably not the most predictable direction for my Renewabelle handle, but I had no idea things would turn out this way when I started my company three years ago…

This is the real face of green.

I work from home.  Many people think that means I lead a relaxing and flexible life of sustainable luxury.  Many people would be wrong.

The truth is that I work more than most people I know.  Even on the playground with my kid, I’m thinking about work.  I don’t concern myself with a work-life balance because everything requires such fluidity that I hardly have a moment to plan rigid time blocking.

Over the last six years, I’ve watched the Illinois market for energy efficient technologies and sustainable building practices transform before my eyes.  The program we run is better than a typical rebate program because we help business owners and public entities make educated investment decisions.  In a rebate scenario, they do one thing.  In a design assistance program, our experience has shown clients implement a lot more than one simple measure.

When our program began, we were begging businesses to let us audit their facilities for free.  The general opinion was that energy-related investments were reserved for treehuggers or spendthrifts.  Today, we can hardly keep up with the incoming flow of applications for assistance.

Things are very different now than they were a few years ago.  For example, people now understand that increases in energy efficiency have many benefits, both economic and intrinsic.  Sweetening the deal, incentives and grants are available to offset the increased costs associated with efficient technologies.

The only problem is that the bottom fell out from under the country right around the same time legislation was passed to require significant results from related programs.  Everyone wants to do it, but either they don’t have the money, the time or they’re too scared to spend anything right now.

It’s an uphill battle, but the team I work with is amazing and we work our backsides off to keep our program successful.  With this work comes a lot of stress, which affects pretty much everything I do since, like I said before, my work consumes me.

This is the real face of Jess.

Sometimes all I can muster is a tweet.  After reviewing a report or having a long, detailed call that requires 110% of my attention, I don’t have much left in me for commentary.

I have to fight the urge to isolate. After leaving Florida, I was socially sequestered on and off for nearly four years.  I don’t want to go back.  Tweets are progress.  Or maybe regress… Either way, I digress…

I’m well aware that hundreds of bloggers write about swapping a light bulb or inspecting a building envelope (walls, windows, roof, etc) and I don’t feel I need to add to that.  I want to bring something different to the table, but everything I want to tell you either involves something I’m contractually not allowed to discuss or something I’ve made myself believe is banal.

People ask me from time to time what I sell, and the only simple answer I can provide is “sound solutions.”  I’ve thought a lot about it and think that’s why I keep writing all these bizarre life lessons.  I want to help you (whoever “you” are), so I’m throwing everything at you in my arsenal while reserving my area of professional expertise for my day job.  The problem is that you’re probably here for something I’m not giving you.

A normal businesswoman would look at this and say, “Jessica, I believe you may be onto something.” Unfortunately, this particular businesswoman has become a commitment-phobe and likes to come up with awesome ideas that she convinces herself aren’t worth the sacrifice of time necessary for success.

That said, I’m not going to promise you I’m going to write a report or book or some other saleable item that I hope will justify my efforts on here anymore. The next time you hear me talk about that type of thing, it’ll be because it’s done and I’m ready to take your money.

I built this blog because I thought it was the next right step in my journey.  I don’t know what I’m going to be doing next year, but I do know that today I have this thing that I’m supposed to write for and find myself failing.  I will do my best to change that.

All I have to do now is figure out how to use my own voice again and all will be well.  Right?

When you’re looking down the barrel of a mic (or a pen) and a reporter is on the other end, you’d better be ready.  I’m not going to mince my words at all when I tell you it is exceptionally easy to blow an interview.

Since starting my work in the energy efficiency industry, I’ve been interviewed for pieces in industry newsletters, the Wall Street Journal and everything in between.  My ability to provide succinct sound bites and quick quotes is not a natural talent, but  one I honed through a number of embarrassing, easily preventable events that you never need to endure.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and, while I have many maxims regarding the subject, the story behind my First Maxim of Media Relations is really too good to keep to myself…

My “John Mayer” Incident

In 2002, I was interviewed by the ever-lovely Xtine for her magazine, In Theory. Neither of us had actually done an interview before, and what happened was nothing less than punk f***ing rock. (click here to download the PDF)

At the time, I was working in the editorial department at Orlando Weekly as the calendar girl, spending the remainder of my extracurricular hours as a DJ and live show producer for my college radio station.  Never a wallflower, I was not one to maintain a “professional” demeanor either at work or play…which is probably why I was immediately forced to learn my First Maxim of Media Relations:

No matter how much fun you’re having, don’t forget you’re giving an interview.

This WILL go down on your permanent record.  You don’t have to be stuffy, but I strongly suggest you stay away from responses like “don’t take it in the ass” unless you are absolutely certain you won’t mind that showing up in print.  Also…

Do not make jokes about fellatio when discussing how you landed your current job. Even if your bosses are a gay man and a woman.

The day after it came out, the head editors called me into their office to discuss the article and I was unofficially reprimanded.  Thank goodness I worked at a newsweekly with a sense of humor and wasn’t fired for this.  I could have been, but really, it never occurred to me that she would print that.

I forgot I was being interviewed and said something that could not translate without inflection or facial expressions. Bad, bad move…

Having since been an interviewer as well as the interviewee, I must warn you that many writers are (*gasp!*) personable individuals.  They engage for a living, so it should come as no surprise when it happens while they’re asking questions.  No matter what, you must always remember your conversation is part of the interview and respond accordingly.

(note: I do realize that I’m letting you all read something you’d never, ever have known existed, but figured mere reference simply wouldn’t transfer my message quite as clearly.)

Xtine and I were later crowned Princesses of Punk at the Orlando Punk Awards, so it wasn’t even close to a loss.  In fact, as my first interview ever, I’d say it was one of the coolest things I did during that era.  I can assure you I haven’t done anything like it since…

Except for the part about Tony Danza.  I still sing the wrong words to that song because it’s funny. And because I really do want him to hold me closer… Really… who doesn’t?!

I write this post with a heavy heart.  There is so much sadness in the world right now with tragedies multiplying by the day.  Of course, my topic has nothing to do with those catastrophes.  Mine has to do with sex.

For months now, I’ve been working on a covert project that consumed countless hours of my “spare” time.  Although I’m quite successful in my current career, I had hoped to augment my income through a new product that would help people enrich their sex lives.

After an exhaustive amount of research and market testing, I knew this was poised to be a huge success.  However, instead of approaching this with excitement, I found myself merely going through the motions of building this product, continually plagued with internal resistance.

Like many entrepreneurs would, I passed it off as fear. I continued pressing on, only to find myself dreading new discoveries and mentally shutting down when the content got too deep for my tastes.  It took weeks before I allowed myself an opportunity to take a real inventory as to what was going on.

After finally running through all the reasons I wanted to do this versus the reasons I didn’t, I realized I was building toward a dead-end.  But why? How?

I ignored something so simple, so necessary, so critical to the success of any entrepreneur’s journey…

I forgot to ask myself if I would do it for free.

What I realized is that I was so focused on building what I thought would be a successful source of income that I neglected to ask whether this was a niche I would want to produce, promote or protect. Instead of building a freedom business, I was designing an emotional death sentence.  And no, I’m not insane. In fact, I bet this could happen to anyone…

This business I was building was solely for profit.  I actually convinced myself that I was passionate about something I had no real connection to because I was blinded by my goals of getting out of debt. My drive to succeed in this venture had little to do with the mission and everything to do with the dollar.  For many, the dollar is enough.  For me, I need a reason or I will be miserable.

My niche and I officially called it quits this week and my heart is broken.  It feels like I just ended a relationship that wasn’t bad, but it just wasn’t right.  You know… the kind where kisses are just lips touching and when you look at the other person, all you feel is a sense of longing to feel something other than what you do.  Only now that it’s over, I’m left to figure out how to move on…

Having survived a fair amount of disagreeable events in my life, you might think it’d be easy to pick myself up again after failing a business venture I never even launched.  It sounds so stupid to even say.  But it was real to me, and knowing all the time and effort I put into dotting every “i” and crossing every “t” makes it hurt that much more.  I want to tell myself I made a huge mistake, but the smarter me (yes, on occasion there is more than one “me” in my head) knows that’s not the truth.

I believe this couldn’t have been a mistake.  My coach has been enlightening me with his views on faith in business and according to the Gospel of Truant, things happen for a reason.

So now, as it seems, I need to put away the cosmic chocolate ice cream, turn off the damn Meg Ryan movie and learn the lesson I obviously needed to learn…

Then, with a little bravery or something like it, you may soon see what I’ve found I would do for free… And hopefully you’ll buy some for everyone you know…